The 'A' Word

how do i begin to describe something that i hardly understand myself...

anxiety is a bitch, that much i do know.
it wears at you, takes over you, and brings you and those around you down.
it consumes your thoughts, your actions, and you day-to-day living.
and if you don't find ways to cope, you'll find yourself at the bottom of a depression pit with no means to get out.

for years, i've struggled with ocd tendencies. i used to think, "it's fine, it's just how i like things".
then it became not just a happening but a regular occurrence.
my thoughts were centered more around this thing that made it seem like i couldn't function or live without doing it.

then it grew, and it spread.

i started getting nervous, shy, upset, and with no clear rationale.
my clothes, my hair, my appearance - all had to perfect, or else i'd be uncomfortable and it'd either ruin the time i was having, or i just wouldn't have a time at all.
it affected my social life by me staying in vs. going out. crowds and conversations were sometimes difficult to act for, and that's what i felt i was doing - acting, faking.
those are barely scratch the surface to this deeper problem.

it spread from inside of me to the people surrounding me.
relationships became - and still are - a challenge today.
i get hung up and caught on the negative.
i drown myself,
            and i drag others down with me.

so how do you make it stop?

ways of coping seemed to come and go in phases.
music did it for several months, maybe a year or more, but that soon wore off.
activities, when done alone, were great for reflecting and releasing, but that too could only last for so long. find something passionate and inspiring to keep you occupied is always a good thing, but sometimes anxiety trumps passion and you just can't get started.

but when you find yourself mired in your thoughts with another person chained to your worries, you think you've hit a dead end.
this time you have to save yourself plus anyone else you might have affected too.
time to put that thinking cap back on, and you sure as hell hope it fits like it did before.

it's time to try, and try, and try, and t...

there's no solution, cure-all, or remedy for the misery that is you and your thoughts with anxiety.
there is only honest effort and true attempt to figure your shit out and to hang on tight to something that seems to be working, because God forbid you lose yourself and the people that have been helping you carry on for so long.

so hang in, hold on, and haste through to the other side and you'll come out all right.